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On Crash & Bloom

Have you ever heard the term “cancer ghosting”? Me neither. I learned the term in Sara Machnik’s Crash & Bloom, that Machnik started shortly after getting diagnosed with breast cancer at 31 years old. It’s what happens when close friends or family members get awkward about what to say around you when you get diagnosed with cancer, they just disappear out of your life.

Machnik teaches us the actual term at the end, but by then we have already felt the pain that this causes when you are already facing your own mortality as they pump you full of “poison”, Machnik’s apropos term for chemotherapy. Machnik is able to reach into your heart and squeeze until you feel her pain of the unknown, the abandonment, the betrayal of her body.

The book is broken up into three parts. Part I.Malignant; starts after the diagnosis, as Machnik is able to ring the bell and is now “only” looking at ten more years of treatment to keep the cancer gone. As Malignant turns to Part II. Anguish; the pandemic starts and our author has a whole new worry. Immunocompromised and having to go to the hospital for treatments, getting pushed to the back of the line for unvaccinated people who refuse to wear masks that now have covid, therefore putting her at risk. Then, as Anguish turns to Part III. Wildflower, Machnik finds herself trying to deal with her new life, her new self, and the possibility of the return of the cancer.

Machnik takes us on the roller coaster ride of her life with her. We laugh and scream with her on the top and cry with her on the lows. We can feel her gratitude on the good days and her grief on the bad. Happiness, despair, anger, guilt, and love all at once, somehow Machnik is able to elicit all of these emotions with her evocative language. In the poem you should stop Machnik talks about how she became a “magnet for unsolicited advice”. Suddenly, everyone knew what was best for her.

yes, I’m broken

but the “you should”

only sear the shattered pieces

into my soul

As you can see, Machnik makes certain structure and syntax choices that amplify the impact of her work. The only word that is consistently capitalized is “I”. This is important because the author stresses how important it is that she put herself first, especially when so many people just abandoned her in her time of need. It gives weight to each poem and this consistency throughout the collection helps to bring this point home. The author never used a period; thus, nothing ends. This gives poignant aspect to the collection.

I wanted to read this book because I am dealing with a couple of chronic illnesses that have taken some things from me. I am still mourning the old me. I actually think she finally left me for good a couple of weeks ago in the hospital. Not only was this book inspirational, understanding some of the things Machnik had gone through, but it gave me a different view of cancer than I had ever had. It is evident from Machnik’s writing that some of the worst pain is from the friends that disappeared. The most painful poems are the ones written about people that never showed up, that never called or stopped calling. It seems it doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to say, just say something. Just be there; its better than the alternative.

Sara Conrad