Am I Still Angry

Did I really answer the question of why am I angry in the last post? Is the question now why am I still angry? Or am I angry again? Or am I always angry? I guess that depends on who you ask. I think I am angry again and this anger isn't going away any time soon. Why should it? I am angry at current events that aren't going away any time soon. My anger is justified, damn it!

I learned when I was a angst filled teenager in the late 80's early 90's that it was OK to be angry. I learned that I wasn't alone in my anger and that my anger was justified. Up until then, I was told that I was unruly, rude and out of control. I needed to learn some respect. My anger first showed up when I was about six years old. It was around Christmas and I had suddenly developed insomnia. One night, my mom told me to give her current boyfriend a kiss. I refused and she got upset. She told me I was being disrespectful, this was never a problem before, why should it be now? I started to whimper, "please no." He squatted down, arms out, waiting for his kiss from me. My mom pushed me towards him. As he grabbed me and pulled me in to kiss him, I saw those lips coming towards me again and I punched him with all my might. As soon as his grip loosened, I wriggled away and escaped to my room where I started crying hysterically. Of course, my mom came up and I got in trouble. I had to apologize. No question into why I punched him, no connection to the sudden development of a need for a night light or the insomnia. My family still hasn't figured out why I hate Christmas so much.

But, I digress. Let's just say my anger was justified. Back to my angst filled teenage years. Yes, I was filled with teenage angst, but I was also filled with rage and depression. It wasn't until I found bands like Ministry, Black Flag and Rage Against the Machine that I realized that not only was I not alone in my anger, but that it was OK to be angry when that anger is justified. It was OK to be angry, I had been molested, attacked, raped by multiple people by the time I was fourteen. I felt like an outsider and a guest in my childhood home from the time I was ten on because I was treated like one. I was couch surfing at friend's houses in fifth and sixth grade because I refused to be silent. I will always be thankful for my friend Georgine's parents. After the third stay at their house.they wouldn't let me leave until I had a stable home to return to. I had every right to be angry.

Now, I'm 51 and am most likely finally going through menopause. Add to that I am watching my beautiful democratic, free country quickly turn into a fascist state. Of course, I am angry. Then I find Ministry's most recent album, Hopium for the Masses. I should have known I can always count on Al Jourgensen to put it all in perspective. Ministry has always been my favorite band. An old friend Rich was a DJ for the local college's radio station and I was listening one night. He knew I was and he said this one is for you, Sara, I think you are really going to like this band. That was the first time I heard Stigmata. It was all over for me. I ran out and got The Land of Rape and Honey and The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste. Mind is still one of my favorites. Now I am listening to their most recent album and they are still speaking to me. Jourgensen is singing about the toxic masculinity and relevant current events. I can always count on you, Al. I feel like a teenager again. My hormones are going haywire and I'm angst ridden. I listen to Al Jourgensen telling me he's angry too and I know I'm not alone. Oh yeah, and I'm smoking weed all day long again too. Although, I'm consciously doing it medically now.

There's a point to all of my rambling and I'm about to get to it. I'm angry and I'm not alone. I'm angry, going through menopause, and I'm not alone. HOT DAMN!! That's it. I am Generation X. That too gives justification to my anger, right. I came from the generation where at 10 pm every TV station ran the same PSA "It's 10pm Do you know where you're children are?" and the random PSA that would come on "Have you hugged your children today?" That's right, our parents needed reminders to make sure we were home by 10 pm and to hug us. We were the generation that coined the term "latchkey kids." I was a latchkey kid. From the time I was six, I got home and called my mom at work to let her know I was home from school. After that, I did my homework and went outside to play in the neighborhood. I had to be home by the time the streetlights came on. I usually stopped by the house when my mom got home from work to touch base. My brother was seven years older so he had zero desire to babysit and was not obligated to. We rode in the back of pickup trucks. I hitchhiked before I could drive.

We are the generation that is the reason for a majority of safety protocols now. We are hardened but full of compassion for each other. We have raised our children to be strong, beautiful, compassionate humans that are not afraid to be who they really are. Guess what, we are going through menopause and we are angry. You are infringing on the rights of our children. You are destroying all we have worked for to protect for our children. Our country is threatening our children. We have every right to be angry. Our anger is justified. Do not let anyone tell you that you are too emotional. That you shouldn't be so angry or so sad over what is going on. Your anger and sadness over what is going on means you are a moral compassionate human being. Do NOT however let those emotions destroy you. That is what was happening to me. I was letting the anger consume me. Find a way to channel that anger to do something good. For me, I am going to write more on the FUAPPA blog. I will get the new email and I will create a discussion board. We will find safer ways to communicate.

Do not underestimate the power of Gen-X going through menopause while the government threatens our children

As long as I can I will continue to write, even if nobody is reading.